Please Don't Stop the Music

I love music.
I legitimately considered stopping the post right there, but I guess I should continue. Music takes me away from depression. Although the wrong song can dig me deeper in, the majority of music is one of the only remedies I have found. Listening to music takes me to another place. That's why I posted that Noah and the Whale song on my last blog (read it if you missed it). I also love watching live music. It doesn't even have to be good. I just appreciate people stepping out and giving a piece of them for me to experience. I feel connected to live music in a profound way.

Finally, of course, there is the actually performing of live music. Oh man does this change who I am. I feel like I can be whoever I want when I play music, especially live. It's an amazing feeling, more so, from my experience, for someone with depression. I live my day to day life under oppression by depression (intentional rhyme) not able to be who I want to be, and then all of a sudden that burden is lifted. Music allows me to be anyone that I want to be. For just a little while, I don't have to deal with the crap in my life, or if I want, I can use music to help me deal with the crap in my life. It's awesome, and definitely God given.

I felt this a lot last night at the coffee house. It was like I was a different person. I had courage to get on the mic and tell everyone to be quiet. I played with several groups. I really listened to everyone who played and thoroughly enjoyed it. I sang in front of a good number of people with real emotion for the first time in a while. This took me away from everything. I danced like there was no tomorrow and probably looked like an idiot, but didn't care. It was the freest I have felt in a very long time. I even was able to sing a song that I really connect with for what seems like a different reason every time. I'll add it at the end of this post. Normally I connect with it because of the stuff about my dad, or the time I sat out on the deck with my friend all night, but this time I asked Colin if we could sing it because of how alone I felt. It was a really good thing for me to sing (I'm sure you'll see why as you listen to it).

Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed the performance! I sure did. Please feel free to leave comments on here or on my facebook as always, I really appreciate everyone that has taken the time to read these and get to know me a little better. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to practice honesty in a real way.

The Thick Blanket Returns

I can't really talk about what happened, but I just wanted to say that last night I got a lot more depressed. It has a root of loneliness. I feel so alone now, and I'm realizing that it's not up to me to fix that. This sucks. I can't make myself less alone. It's up to other people and, ultimately, God. I'm so scared that God is going to keep me alone. I finally started to feel like I wasn't going to be alone and then, in an instant,  I reverted back to what I always go back to. I am alone; at least in this world. This is probably my biggest fear, and it is being realized. I don't want to have to rely on God for everything. I want to be close to people and rely on them, even though time and time again I see that they are unreliable.

I went to bed and woke up this morning depressed. I don't know how to explain it, but I guess I should try. It's this unidentifiable sadness. It's more than not wanting to do things. It's a thick blanket over everything about you. I feel hopeless. I feel worthless. I am overwhelmed. It takes over all of my being, I am completely and totally sad. It isn't something that I can control. When I try and talk about it, I feel like I'm about to cry. This is a lot like what happened in my government teacher's office. It's coming to an understanding that I have been depressed, am depressed, and will be depressed until something changes. I feel like the earthly part of me just keeps thinking that I'll be fine once I find a real "best" friend. I need to stop relying on this and realize that God is the only way that I can be with someone and not alone.

Here's a song that for some reason has been really good for me lately, it's by an awesome band you should all listen to. They have good sad music and good happy music. This is a nice blend of the two.

Choked Up

I realize I haven't given an update lately so I think I'll go ahead and fill you guys in on the last week.

The day after my last post my dad had a grand mal seizure. That means that it wasn't little, but in my opinion it wasn't as bad as the one last May. I was very calm throughout the process. My mom woke me up and I waited five minutes and then called the paramedics because I remembered them saying to do this last time he had one. I went to the hospital and sat with my parents in the ER. I was supposed to have a meeting with my mentor about whether or not I should go to bonnaroo so I went to school and met with him and stayed for percussion. Obviously we talked about a lot more than bonnaroo given what had happened.

I thought that my big struggle with this whole ordeal was just going to be understanding that God is good all the time(all the time God is good). So I wrestled with this a lot and am still wrestling with it. However that has turned out to be not the biggest setback coming from this event. My depression has come on quite strong as of late. I have been significantly less motivated to do anything, especially homework. I haven't been taking care of myself hygienically and have been eating only when fed, never making my own meals. Two days ago I went home halfway through the day because my depression started to make me feel physically ill and the combination was too much to handle. Most of all I haven't been able to do homework. This semester I have been doing very well at getting just enough motivation squeezed out to complete the homework that I need to do, but this past week I shut down.

Instead of letting it snowball any further, like I did last year, I went and talked to my school's counselor yesterday. This was a big step for me because it took initiative to say that I was getting more depressed and to get help for it rather than let it grow into something unmanageable. After talking with my counselor, we decided that she would email all my teachers and I would talk to the ones that I was having trouble with. My most overdue assignment is a five paragraph essay for my government class. For some reason this paper has been giving me a lot of trouble. I can't really figure out why, but my mood just never agrees with doing the paper.

After several minutes of fighting myself back and forth on whether or not to talk to my government teacher, I decided to go to his office and tell him about my depression. I told him that I struggle with it and that I'm really trying to get this paper done, but it just hasn't been working lately. The weird part about this though was that I started to tear up. I had trouble talking, my voice choked up, all the classic pre-cry events took place. This was extremely abnormal. I cannot remember the last time I cried. It is not something that I really ever do. After thinking about it, I think that my reason for crying was that some part of me realized that after two years, I am still dealing with this. It still defines so much of what I am. This is really annoying and fairly discouraging, and I guess hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.

Well That's my week. If there is anything you want to know more about please feel free to comment or talk to me and I will be happy to elaborate. Just glad to have another opportunity to be honest about what's going on.

Psych!

So I went to the psychiatrist today, and I figured I should tell anyone who is interested what happened.
I'll just do this kind of like a secretary who would have taken notes on the meeting. That aughtta spice things up!
Psychiatrist: So how have you been?
Josh: About the same as last time. So a 5 and a half or 6 on average.
P: So it hasn't gotten any better? What is your range from high to low?
J: About a 3 to an 8.
P: Well how do you feel about changing medicines?
J: Don't care.
P: Alright let me call in your parents.
J: Wait, can I ask you something? I have this weird pain thing(goes into detail about last blog post). Is that related to depression or God?
P: Well I can't speak for God, but that doesn't sound like depression.
(P goes to get mom and dad)
P: Well how do you think Josh is doing?
Dad: He seems pretty miserable.
P: Yeah, that's what I got too. Well I think I'm going to change his medication, even though I'm weary of messing up the balance. Cymbalta seems to have worked the best so far, that's what he's on now. So I'm going to put him on something that's in the same family. (He explains the families and the difference between the two drugs he had considered, ask me if you want to know more). So I think I'll put him on Prestiq.
D: How will you wean him off the cymbalta?
P: Well the 90 mg hasn't done anything so we'll cut him immediately down to 60 mg for a month, and then 30 mg for a month.
J: That seems long.
P: It's not, but we'll put you on the prestiq right away.
J: Is there a chance that the combination will make me better and then taking me off the cymbalta will make it worse?
P: Yes I have had that happen. If it does, we will work from there.
Ok that was the main regular conversation. Now I'll tell you about the other two big, abnormal conversations that happened after.
First, we decided that I should go to therapy again. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
Second, my mom told my psychiatrist about my lip biting thing (from reading my blog) without telling me that she knew, or was going to tell him. I'm sure how I feel about this.

This is going to be a very fast sporadic post because I am trying to capture feelings that do not last.
For some reason I have this thing where if my friends do some things I have this pretty much indescribable feeling that consumes me. It's really weird, and I've only met one other person who has anything like it.

As far as I can remember, this happens with substance use and sexual relations. The first time that I remember it happening is sophomore year. One of my friends did one of these things previously mentioned and I remember just feeling immense pain. So much so, that I was writhing in my bed not able to be still because of this new feeling. I remember not being able to understand it. I have tended to struggle with being a judgmental person, but since then I remember not feeling any judgement towards my friends, just pain and suffering for them. It has happened consistently with any situation like those previously mentioned.

When it happens, the feeling consumes my whole body. I start to feel very hot all over. I doubt my temperature actually rises, but I legitimately feel feverish. The next thing that happens is I experience a burning sensation on my exposed skin. It's not necessarily an intense burn, more of a prickling pain. I experience an odd pain in my chest. It's a beating, yet an emptiness at the same time. It feels like there is a hole wrenching and yearning for something to fill it. In addition to the outside burning I get an odd feeling in my head. It's like an inside burning that feels like a headache. Finally, I get nauseous. This completes the wonderful package that is my physical feeling during these times.

I wrote this on my depression blog because I think it is connected. It didn't start until I was depressed. I get extremely sad when it happens. I don't know if it will go away if my depression goes away. I don't know if I want it to go away. I'm not so sure it's a bad thing. I hate it, but maybe it's what God has for me. I've only told very few people about this, and never in such detail. So I decided to keep to the rules of this blog and write about it.

In true Doctrine and Theology format, I will now give the reason for these feelings, in my opinion.
2 Corinthians 12:2, Ephesians 5:18, Mark 12:30(more to come as I think about this and look up more stuff).

Feel free to respond with thoughts about this, if you have it, other scripture passages. Also, I'm trying to figure out wether or not I should go somewhere that I know this will happen. If you think God is telling you something about it let me know.

How are you?

I've been thinking a lot about how I answer people when they ask me how I am doing. It's kind of an interesting question because there can be so many different intents behind one simple inquisition. In my experience the average teenager says "Hey what's up?" when passing someone in the hall, but the average adult will say "Hey, how are you?". This in itself is interesting. Are adults really more interested than teenagers in how you are doing, or is that just the polite, or cultured way to say what's up?

Based on an experience I had this morning, I would have to say the latter. Today at church I walked by a woman that I know and I said "hey', like I usually do. She responded with "Hey, how are you?". I said "Good. How are you?'. As I turned to hear her answer I saw that she was already turning the corner not waiting to hear my answer, let alone respond to my question. As I think about it now, this is not uncommon. Most people that I pass that ask how I am doing are just walking by, so I answer "good" or "fine". No matter how I am feeling. This is because I don't want to share with them if they aren't genuinely interested. Also I just don't want to share.The problem that I have found is that I can't tell if people are truly interested so I just end up not sharing what's really going on in my life. Now, to be honest, I'm a closed off person a lot of the time, due to a lack of trust; so I'm not sure if I would share anyway, but I'd like to at least have the option. 

Another thing that I have noticed is that my answer compensates for my depression. In reality, I am never fully doing well(as well as I was before depression), but I don't want to answer like that, so I say good if I'm as good as I can be while experiencing depression. If I were to rate on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the most depressed I have been and 10 being the least. I answer good for about a 7, and fine for a 5. Sometimes I'll be as low as a 3 and still say fine.

So, How am I doing? Well, I'll tell you. I'm about as good as I can be with my depression. I have had some great conversations recently; some of which I even started. I've taken initiative to go down to the city, do some homework, and invite friends to go to concerts with me. I haven't been very sad since my first blog post. So if you asked me, and many have, how I am doing. I would say that I am good. My conclusion: Good is a relative term in my book. Although, as I'm learning in philosophy, aren't all things?

P.S. I'm interested to hear any readers thoughts on this. Please comment below and say your thoughts on the culture of greetings or just answer with how you typically respond, wether it be good, fine, terrible, or anything else!

Bite Your Lip and Take It

So I have this really bad habit of biting the inside of my lip. I do it whenever I'm stressed or depressed(not that those two are usually separate). It's a very odd thing, but I thought that I would try and come clean about it and also attempt to put words on why I do it....so here it goes!

The thought process behind it is, for the most part, nonexistent. I mean it's not like I am completely unaware of what is going on. I realize that it is happening, but I don't consciously think "Oh I think I will go ahead and tear up my inner lip now." Truth is, I don't want to do it. Well part of me doesn't. The smart part of me doesn't want to do it, but that would be pretty boring to write about now would it? I guess the part of me that bites my lip has a lot of different motivations. Part of me likes to be in control, and that is an easy way to be in control. Another part honestly enjoys the pain. I don't know if that's a depressed thing or a weird person thing, but sometimes it feels good to hurt. Also, part of me just needs to feel something, anything, to know that I'm real. The pain preoccupies me and takes my mind off of whatever is at hand. Obviously, this is of value to a depressed person. Pain takes me somewhere else so that I don't have to face the problem at hand.

Another part of me that I'm still just beginning to understand likes to think that I'm screwed up. I don't know why, but a part of me wants to be dark and messed up. I think that depression is almost becoming hip, for this reason, but that's for another post in the future. Anyway, I wrote this short post because I wanted to be real about it and I wouldn't be opposed to reader's keeping me accountable on stopping it because I know it can't be good for my lip. Here's a picture of my lip, so you can check how I'm doing if you want. the white part on the left is my lip trying to compensate for the lack of flesh so it kind of laps over with this white stuff that I am fascinated by. I just bit this like yesterday and today and it's already healing!