Metaphor

I was going to do a free-write about how I'm feeling, but I decided that wouldn't be very fair for some people, so I'm going to write about a metaphor I just experienced while watching the season finale of a show called Parenthood.

Basically this girl Amber doesn't get into college and so she starts trying to run her own life. She's doing drugs and drinking and hanging out with this guy, and her mom wants to help her but Amber literally pushes her mother down and runs away. Eventually Amber is driving with the guy while drinking and smoking pot and they run a red light and get in a big car accident. See here is where you would think that she would learn something, but instead she just is ignorant and doesn't apologize to her family for what has happened. Her mom and brother talk to her and try to explain to her that she's "lucky" and that she should appreciate her life now, but she doesn't.

Finally her grandpa takes her to the lot where the car from the accident is. He talks to her and says that he dreamt about having grandchildren (having her) and how she has his genes in her. She finally gives in and starts crying and apologizing. Later on she is at a reading of her mother's play and she leaves and starts crying again because she can't believe she almost wasn't there for it and the people around her. Finally she says that she wants to be like her mother.

I feel like this whole story is a pretty obvious metaphor, so I'll just briefly explain the parts that aren't. To me this was a story of my relying on friends to fulfill me rather than God. God keeps chasing after me and I keep pushing him away. I don't know why I keep pushing him away and trying to find the perfect friend, but I do. In reality he is the only perfection that I can ever find. I don't know if there will be a single turn around event like in the show, but I hope that I'm headed that way now. I really don't want to take any more of this.

A Change Is Gonna Come

It has been a long time since I last blogged. Because of this I have a lot to blog about, so I will probably crank out quite a few posts over the next week. I figure my first post should be about why I haven't posted in such a long time (seems only fitting).
For some reason every time I have sat down to blog, I have had the sudden, overwhelming urge not to. I can remember several times where I was ready to blog and all of a sudden was very uncomfortable with the thought of sharing my life with anyone who wanted to read it. I have closed myself off to most of the world. Few people know what is going on in my heart and mind as of late. It is because of this that I feel a strong need to post now (rather than working on my latest writing workshop piece, although I am having a lot of fun writing a satire). I guess it comes down to the fact that I haven't had things go my way, and I haven't been comfortable with what's going on in my life. This may sound weird, seeing as I cannot control my depression, and it effects me on a daily basis, but I guess that just means that I have come to be somewhat comfortable and even confident in my depression. I still want it gone, but I have started to come to grips with my life a little bit, no matter how much it may be covered with despair.
Anyway, I apologize for not letting you, the reader of this blog, in on what has happened in my life as of late. I realize that, because of this, I have strayed away from one of the goals of this blog (to be more honest and transparent with my life and depression). I will try to make up for this gap with several posts this week. I'll also be posting some music that I've been listening to lately. I thought this one fitting, it's a Sam Cooke cover by Ben Sollee. He plays the cello, my favorite instrument to listen to. He is scheduled to play at Bonnarroo this summer. Credit to Zach Naylor for showing me Ben Sollee. Have a good listen.