Well it's been a crazy two weeks. Last weekend was prom 2011, and this week has been very busy with an art show, playing in chapel twice, an evening of honor, and my last coffee house at WA, not to mention a surprise birthday party for my friend. The weird thing is, I don't really have a lot to say about these events as a whole, because my life seems to be wildly inconsistent as of late. Some times I feel great. Other times I feel awful. Some times I just don't feel. I don't know what else to say. I could go into detail and tell you how each thing went, but that would be long and I'd much rather just tell you myself. So please feel free to ask how anything was.
I guess I'll just say that the inconsistency in mood, people, and events has been very confusing and disheartening. This is especially apparent because I have really been trying to hear God's voice lately, and it just seems like I'm getting all of this mixed information. I'm sure he is speaking to me, but I am having a lot of trouble distinguishing it. Sometimes it even feels like I would rather just be crappy all the time so I was used to it. I know that the bad accentuates the good, but it also feels like the good accentuates the bad at times. Yes, this is skewed, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel this way.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Redemption
So Friday went from being one of the most painful nights of my life to Saturday's completely unexpected redemption of this situation.
Alright, Alright, I'll explain a bit more. Friday night I experienced my physical pain thing with substance use. If you don't know what this is, please go back and read the blog post with no title that starts with "this is going to be a fast sporadic post". Anyway, it happened again. The thing that made this time so hard was that the person who caused it knows about what happens to me. As you can probably see, with my last few posts, I have a lot of trouble with trusting that people care about me. Obviously, this was one such instance. So I sat there, experiencing both physical and emotional pain. Eventually I talked to the friend, but that didn't really do very much. I then drove my other friend home. We talked a lot and I cried and explained everything. Then I went to another friend's house and talked some more. Eventually I asked the friend that was involved in the issue if we could talk in person that night. She said no.
This is where God started working. The old me would have said, "Forget that, I'm coming over anyway!", but I remembered a conversation that my mentor and I had about timing. He said that even if it makes sense, and is right for you, the other person may not be ready to hear what you have to say. So, I waited.
So it came to the next day. I decided to read my Bible for the first time in months. I read 1 Corinthians 13, and every Psalm with the word truth in the NIV concordance, along with a few others. After this, I went to Arco practice, and then to my last instrumental concert.
I could make an entire post about the concert, but I will try to keep it concise(ish). I didn't have my best concert, in fact, I made quite a few mistakes. However, it was probably my favorite concert that I have been a part of. The energy in that show was something that I haven't experienced at WA before. More than that though, I was able to be deeply encouraged by my instructor of 4 years, and I was able to encourage him.
After this, it was time for me to talk with the friend that I had the giant issue with the night before. Now you're probably expecting me to still be pretty upset, considering it was the worst I had felt in a long time. Well, so was I, but by that time I was so happy from playing music with the people that I love that all I wanted to do was go and tell me friend how much I loved them. Seriously. All I wanted to do was communicate my love to my dear friend, regardless of the situation. We talked about what had happened. I tried to explain, as did they. That went fine, but all I wanted was for them to know that they were loved, and as a tangent off that, that they could still trust me. Because of this, we ended up talking for a long time and telling each other things that we were both afraid to say before. I should also mention that, I have finally started to move into depending on God rather than people a bit more, and I think this made the conversation much easier to have.
In short, I went from thinking that I was going to lose a friend, to strengthening a very important friendship. As far as depression goes (seeing as this is the point of my blog), this feels like a big step in the right direction. I feel like I am not only starting to rely on God a little bit more, but I was able to have a healthy friendship, and feel the best that I have in a long time. I do not know if this was the medicine working, or if it was God working through music and friends, but I do know that it was good.
Alright, Alright, I'll explain a bit more. Friday night I experienced my physical pain thing with substance use. If you don't know what this is, please go back and read the blog post with no title that starts with "this is going to be a fast sporadic post". Anyway, it happened again. The thing that made this time so hard was that the person who caused it knows about what happens to me. As you can probably see, with my last few posts, I have a lot of trouble with trusting that people care about me. Obviously, this was one such instance. So I sat there, experiencing both physical and emotional pain. Eventually I talked to the friend, but that didn't really do very much. I then drove my other friend home. We talked a lot and I cried and explained everything. Then I went to another friend's house and talked some more. Eventually I asked the friend that was involved in the issue if we could talk in person that night. She said no.
This is where God started working. The old me would have said, "Forget that, I'm coming over anyway!", but I remembered a conversation that my mentor and I had about timing. He said that even if it makes sense, and is right for you, the other person may not be ready to hear what you have to say. So, I waited.
So it came to the next day. I decided to read my Bible for the first time in months. I read 1 Corinthians 13, and every Psalm with the word truth in the NIV concordance, along with a few others. After this, I went to Arco practice, and then to my last instrumental concert.
I could make an entire post about the concert, but I will try to keep it concise(ish). I didn't have my best concert, in fact, I made quite a few mistakes. However, it was probably my favorite concert that I have been a part of. The energy in that show was something that I haven't experienced at WA before. More than that though, I was able to be deeply encouraged by my instructor of 4 years, and I was able to encourage him.
After this, it was time for me to talk with the friend that I had the giant issue with the night before. Now you're probably expecting me to still be pretty upset, considering it was the worst I had felt in a long time. Well, so was I, but by that time I was so happy from playing music with the people that I love that all I wanted to do was go and tell me friend how much I loved them. Seriously. All I wanted to do was communicate my love to my dear friend, regardless of the situation. We talked about what had happened. I tried to explain, as did they. That went fine, but all I wanted was for them to know that they were loved, and as a tangent off that, that they could still trust me. Because of this, we ended up talking for a long time and telling each other things that we were both afraid to say before. I should also mention that, I have finally started to move into depending on God rather than people a bit more, and I think this made the conversation much easier to have.
In short, I went from thinking that I was going to lose a friend, to strengthening a very important friendship. As far as depression goes (seeing as this is the point of my blog), this feels like a big step in the right direction. I feel like I am not only starting to rely on God a little bit more, but I was able to have a healthy friendship, and feel the best that I have in a long time. I do not know if this was the medicine working, or if it was God working through music and friends, but I do know that it was good.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Another day, Another medication
I went to the psychiatrist again, so I thought I'd continue tradition and post about it.
Basically, he asked me a lot of questions, and I answered him honestly. Here's the basics of what we talked about: I told him that I had pretty much been the same, no better or worse, until this past week. I said that this past week had been awful, but it might just be situational. I explained that I basically lost yet another best friendship a week ago, and it's taken quite a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and even physically. I have been nauseous and had a lack of appetite, and for a few days I had trouble sleeping. My mood has been constantly down. I haven't been able to get up in the mornings, as in I physically cannot get myself up for first or second period typically. I am falling behind in school, in fact I am failing a class. The missing assignments are starting to pile up and I don't know what to do. I haven't been spending a whole lot of time with people, except for one friend, whom I have enjoyed seeing a lot lately. He asked me when I had felt the best and I said probably this past August, but that may just have been because of my mission trip. I haven't noticed any difference in the various medications.
My parents came in and he asked them how I was doing. They basically said the same, with glimpses of being better, but that always goes away. He then asked them when I had been my best, they said probably after a trip. My dad said that I am best when I don't have a load of responsibilities or big decisions. My mom said that I had handled decisions pretty well lately. He then said that he was going to switch me off abilify. My dad asked if the psychiatrist had ever considered a stimulant. He thought about it and really liked that idea, so he changed the prescription to a stimulant. He said that this has helped people with motivation and mood, and at least it would probably help me get up in the mornings. So, I am now taking adderall, along with my other medications. This doesn't mean I have ADD, it just means that, like my psychiatrist said, we have exhausted most of the common approaches to depression, and this is a different method that we can try. So, add another medication to the ongoing list.
I also feel like I didn't do my wellbeing complete justice in the conversation, so I thought I'd expand a little bit here. I honestly feel the worst I have in a long time. I can't fully explain it, other than the losing a friendship. It feels like my mind has moved on, but my soul hasn't, and no matter how hard I try, I can't make it. I talked to my mentor today and he said that a lot of times chemicals can just get so exhausted from producing that at times like these they need time to recharge, even if you think you should be able to move on. I think that may be true here. Regardless, very little time goes by where I'm not feeling completely helpless. I have no energy or motivation for anything. I feel hopeless and worthless. I feel physically exhausted, and am struggling to do everything from shower to go to school. It's this odd combination of just this feeling of emptiness inside with nothing to fill it, and this problem of not being able to fully express what's going on because I don't understand. I don't know what to do with myself, almost nothing helps. I feel like I am weeping on the inside, but nothing falls from my eyes.
On a last happy note, I hung out with my friend the past three days, and yesterday as I was lying on the couch I felt the most content that I have all week. I don't know if this was due to her stroking my head, or just not being alone, or being distracted by the tv, but something was right, and I felt ok.
Basically, he asked me a lot of questions, and I answered him honestly. Here's the basics of what we talked about: I told him that I had pretty much been the same, no better or worse, until this past week. I said that this past week had been awful, but it might just be situational. I explained that I basically lost yet another best friendship a week ago, and it's taken quite a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and even physically. I have been nauseous and had a lack of appetite, and for a few days I had trouble sleeping. My mood has been constantly down. I haven't been able to get up in the mornings, as in I physically cannot get myself up for first or second period typically. I am falling behind in school, in fact I am failing a class. The missing assignments are starting to pile up and I don't know what to do. I haven't been spending a whole lot of time with people, except for one friend, whom I have enjoyed seeing a lot lately. He asked me when I had felt the best and I said probably this past August, but that may just have been because of my mission trip. I haven't noticed any difference in the various medications.
My parents came in and he asked them how I was doing. They basically said the same, with glimpses of being better, but that always goes away. He then asked them when I had been my best, they said probably after a trip. My dad said that I am best when I don't have a load of responsibilities or big decisions. My mom said that I had handled decisions pretty well lately. He then said that he was going to switch me off abilify. My dad asked if the psychiatrist had ever considered a stimulant. He thought about it and really liked that idea, so he changed the prescription to a stimulant. He said that this has helped people with motivation and mood, and at least it would probably help me get up in the mornings. So, I am now taking adderall, along with my other medications. This doesn't mean I have ADD, it just means that, like my psychiatrist said, we have exhausted most of the common approaches to depression, and this is a different method that we can try. So, add another medication to the ongoing list.
I also feel like I didn't do my wellbeing complete justice in the conversation, so I thought I'd expand a little bit here. I honestly feel the worst I have in a long time. I can't fully explain it, other than the losing a friendship. It feels like my mind has moved on, but my soul hasn't, and no matter how hard I try, I can't make it. I talked to my mentor today and he said that a lot of times chemicals can just get so exhausted from producing that at times like these they need time to recharge, even if you think you should be able to move on. I think that may be true here. Regardless, very little time goes by where I'm not feeling completely helpless. I have no energy or motivation for anything. I feel hopeless and worthless. I feel physically exhausted, and am struggling to do everything from shower to go to school. It's this odd combination of just this feeling of emptiness inside with nothing to fill it, and this problem of not being able to fully express what's going on because I don't understand. I don't know what to do with myself, almost nothing helps. I feel like I am weeping on the inside, but nothing falls from my eyes.
On a last happy note, I hung out with my friend the past three days, and yesterday as I was lying on the couch I felt the most content that I have all week. I don't know if this was due to her stroking my head, or just not being alone, or being distracted by the tv, but something was right, and I felt ok.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
All Alone In An Empty House
A band that I've been listening to called Lost In The Trees has a song, All Alone In An Empty House, that says the line "I'm so selfless here.". I have been thinking about this a lot over the past week. A lot has happened with friends, friend's friends, myself, and the world. And it has raised this question for me: What does it mean to be selfless?
It seems to me that being selfless and conforming to the pattern of this world do not go together. I constantly see people choose themselves. This is discouraging. I have been trying to choose others over myself, as have some people that I love dearly, and it has turned out to be a very solemn path with little help given from others. I write this in a depression blog to say that it is unbelievably difficult, for me, to balance my faith and my depression. I am called in Romans to consider others better than myself. This is twisted in depression into seeing myself as worthless. The fact that the command from Romans is not often reciprocated merely strengthens the sense of, I would say loneliness. Later in the song, Lost In The Trees has the line "I'm so lonely here." This is a profound moment to me, as it, in a sense connects selflessness with loneliness. I would have to say that at times, including this past weekend, I have seen this to be true to an extent.
I could say much more, or I could specify to an extent what events have lead to me thinking this way, but I have decided that the core principal and song communicate the pain and desire for something that I have experienced recently.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Metaphor
I was going to do a free-write about how I'm feeling, but I decided that wouldn't be very fair for some people, so I'm going to write about a metaphor I just experienced while watching the season finale of a show called Parenthood.
Basically this girl Amber doesn't get into college and so she starts trying to run her own life. She's doing drugs and drinking and hanging out with this guy, and her mom wants to help her but Amber literally pushes her mother down and runs away. Eventually Amber is driving with the guy while drinking and smoking pot and they run a red light and get in a big car accident. See here is where you would think that she would learn something, but instead she just is ignorant and doesn't apologize to her family for what has happened. Her mom and brother talk to her and try to explain to her that she's "lucky" and that she should appreciate her life now, but she doesn't.
Finally her grandpa takes her to the lot where the car from the accident is. He talks to her and says that he dreamt about having grandchildren (having her) and how she has his genes in her. She finally gives in and starts crying and apologizing. Later on she is at a reading of her mother's play and she leaves and starts crying again because she can't believe she almost wasn't there for it and the people around her. Finally she says that she wants to be like her mother.
I feel like this whole story is a pretty obvious metaphor, so I'll just briefly explain the parts that aren't. To me this was a story of my relying on friends to fulfill me rather than God. God keeps chasing after me and I keep pushing him away. I don't know why I keep pushing him away and trying to find the perfect friend, but I do. In reality he is the only perfection that I can ever find. I don't know if there will be a single turn around event like in the show, but I hope that I'm headed that way now. I really don't want to take any more of this.
Basically this girl Amber doesn't get into college and so she starts trying to run her own life. She's doing drugs and drinking and hanging out with this guy, and her mom wants to help her but Amber literally pushes her mother down and runs away. Eventually Amber is driving with the guy while drinking and smoking pot and they run a red light and get in a big car accident. See here is where you would think that she would learn something, but instead she just is ignorant and doesn't apologize to her family for what has happened. Her mom and brother talk to her and try to explain to her that she's "lucky" and that she should appreciate her life now, but she doesn't.
Finally her grandpa takes her to the lot where the car from the accident is. He talks to her and says that he dreamt about having grandchildren (having her) and how she has his genes in her. She finally gives in and starts crying and apologizing. Later on she is at a reading of her mother's play and she leaves and starts crying again because she can't believe she almost wasn't there for it and the people around her. Finally she says that she wants to be like her mother.
I feel like this whole story is a pretty obvious metaphor, so I'll just briefly explain the parts that aren't. To me this was a story of my relying on friends to fulfill me rather than God. God keeps chasing after me and I keep pushing him away. I don't know why I keep pushing him away and trying to find the perfect friend, but I do. In reality he is the only perfection that I can ever find. I don't know if there will be a single turn around event like in the show, but I hope that I'm headed that way now. I really don't want to take any more of this.
Monday, April 25, 2011
A Change Is Gonna Come
It has been a long time since I last blogged. Because of this I have a lot to blog about, so I will probably crank out quite a few posts over the next week. I figure my first post should be about why I haven't posted in such a long time (seems only fitting).
For some reason every time I have sat down to blog, I have had the sudden, overwhelming urge not to. I can remember several times where I was ready to blog and all of a sudden was very uncomfortable with the thought of sharing my life with anyone who wanted to read it. I have closed myself off to most of the world. Few people know what is going on in my heart and mind as of late. It is because of this that I feel a strong need to post now (rather than working on my latest writing workshop piece, although I am having a lot of fun writing a satire). I guess it comes down to the fact that I haven't had things go my way, and I haven't been comfortable with what's going on in my life. This may sound weird, seeing as I cannot control my depression, and it effects me on a daily basis, but I guess that just means that I have come to be somewhat comfortable and even confident in my depression. I still want it gone, but I have started to come to grips with my life a little bit, no matter how much it may be covered with despair.
Anyway, I apologize for not letting you, the reader of this blog, in on what has happened in my life as of late. I realize that, because of this, I have strayed away from one of the goals of this blog (to be more honest and transparent with my life and depression). I will try to make up for this gap with several posts this week. I'll also be posting some music that I've been listening to lately. I thought this one fitting, it's a Sam Cooke cover by Ben Sollee. He plays the cello, my favorite instrument to listen to. He is scheduled to play at Bonnarroo this summer. Credit to Zach Naylor for showing me Ben Sollee. Have a good listen.
For some reason every time I have sat down to blog, I have had the sudden, overwhelming urge not to. I can remember several times where I was ready to blog and all of a sudden was very uncomfortable with the thought of sharing my life with anyone who wanted to read it. I have closed myself off to most of the world. Few people know what is going on in my heart and mind as of late. It is because of this that I feel a strong need to post now (rather than working on my latest writing workshop piece, although I am having a lot of fun writing a satire). I guess it comes down to the fact that I haven't had things go my way, and I haven't been comfortable with what's going on in my life. This may sound weird, seeing as I cannot control my depression, and it effects me on a daily basis, but I guess that just means that I have come to be somewhat comfortable and even confident in my depression. I still want it gone, but I have started to come to grips with my life a little bit, no matter how much it may be covered with despair.
Anyway, I apologize for not letting you, the reader of this blog, in on what has happened in my life as of late. I realize that, because of this, I have strayed away from one of the goals of this blog (to be more honest and transparent with my life and depression). I will try to make up for this gap with several posts this week. I'll also be posting some music that I've been listening to lately. I thought this one fitting, it's a Sam Cooke cover by Ben Sollee. He plays the cello, my favorite instrument to listen to. He is scheduled to play at Bonnarroo this summer. Credit to Zach Naylor for showing me Ben Sollee. Have a good listen.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
No One Said It Would Be Easy
Seeing as I have been sick and on tour, it has been a while since I posted. I have decided that I will save the tour post until after choir tour and combine them. Because of this, I have decided to run through yesterday as it happened after school.
I talked with some friends after school for a while. Somehow I ended up feeling more alone then I had before, so I decided to leave. On the drive home I listened to Feel Good Ghosts, an excellent album by Cloud Cult, a band that each one of you should check out if you haven't already. This is a great album that I consider to be very spiritual, I will add one of the songs on this album at the end of this post.
After this lovely listening, I arrived at home and took a tasty hour-long nap until I had to wake up for my psychiatrist appointment. I got to my psychiatrist appointment and went on in to his office. We talked about a lot, I'll see what I can remember. We went through the classics. He asked me how I have been doing this past month. I told him that I was pretty good on tour, but before and after I was about the same as I have been for a long time. He asked me why I seem to be so much worse when I'm home. This is interesting. I couldn't really answer. The only thing I could really say was that tour is the perfect combination of God, service, and music. He asked me if I'm suicidal. I believe I responded, "I don't particularly want to live, but I don't want to kill myself". I'm sure we talked about some more subjects, but this is what I remember. Then he brought my mom in and she agreed that I haven't been doing any better. He then said that he will double my prestiq dosage.
After this I went home and showered, and then drove out to Oak Park for my Mission Year interview. It was pretty much what you would expect. The part that relates to this blog is that I had to talk about my depression. This was weird for me. I basically had to say things that I knew would hurt my application. I hadn't really thought about how these two things would interact. It was interesting to really realize that I will be away from my closest friends and not be able to talk to them very much for a year.
Anyway, I'm leaving for choir tour tomorrow and very worried about being lonely the whole time. Please pray against loneliness on my behalf. Here's the song as promised.
I talked with some friends after school for a while. Somehow I ended up feeling more alone then I had before, so I decided to leave. On the drive home I listened to Feel Good Ghosts, an excellent album by Cloud Cult, a band that each one of you should check out if you haven't already. This is a great album that I consider to be very spiritual, I will add one of the songs on this album at the end of this post.
After this lovely listening, I arrived at home and took a tasty hour-long nap until I had to wake up for my psychiatrist appointment. I got to my psychiatrist appointment and went on in to his office. We talked about a lot, I'll see what I can remember. We went through the classics. He asked me how I have been doing this past month. I told him that I was pretty good on tour, but before and after I was about the same as I have been for a long time. He asked me why I seem to be so much worse when I'm home. This is interesting. I couldn't really answer. The only thing I could really say was that tour is the perfect combination of God, service, and music. He asked me if I'm suicidal. I believe I responded, "I don't particularly want to live, but I don't want to kill myself". I'm sure we talked about some more subjects, but this is what I remember. Then he brought my mom in and she agreed that I haven't been doing any better. He then said that he will double my prestiq dosage.
After this I went home and showered, and then drove out to Oak Park for my Mission Year interview. It was pretty much what you would expect. The part that relates to this blog is that I had to talk about my depression. This was weird for me. I basically had to say things that I knew would hurt my application. I hadn't really thought about how these two things would interact. It was interesting to really realize that I will be away from my closest friends and not be able to talk to them very much for a year.
Anyway, I'm leaving for choir tour tomorrow and very worried about being lonely the whole time. Please pray against loneliness on my behalf. Here's the song as promised.
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