Another day, Another medication

I went to the psychiatrist again, so I thought I'd continue tradition and post about it.

Basically, he asked me a lot of questions, and I answered him honestly. Here's the basics of what we talked about: I told him that I had pretty much been the same, no better or worse, until this past week. I said that this past week had been awful, but it might just be situational. I explained that I basically lost yet another best friendship a week ago, and it's taken quite a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and even physically. I have been nauseous and had a lack of appetite, and for a few days I had trouble sleeping. My mood has been constantly down. I haven't been able to get up in the mornings, as in I physically cannot get myself up for first or second period typically. I am falling behind in school, in fact I am failing a class. The missing assignments are starting to pile up and I don't know what to do. I haven't been spending a whole lot of time with people, except for one friend, whom I have enjoyed seeing a lot lately. He asked me when I had felt the best and I said probably this past August, but that may just have been because of my mission trip. I haven't noticed any difference in the various medications.

My parents came in and he asked them how I was doing. They basically said the same, with glimpses of being better, but that always goes away. He then asked them when I had been my best, they said probably after a trip. My dad said that I am best when I don't have a load of responsibilities or big decisions. My mom said that I had handled decisions pretty well lately. He then said that he was going to switch me off abilify. My dad asked if the psychiatrist had ever considered a stimulant. He thought about it and really liked that idea, so he changed the prescription to a stimulant. He said that this has helped people with motivation and mood, and at least it would probably help me get up in the mornings. So, I am now taking adderall, along with my other medications. This doesn't mean I have ADD, it just means that, like my psychiatrist said, we have exhausted most of the common approaches to depression, and this is a different method that we can try. So, add another medication to the ongoing list.

I also feel like I didn't do my wellbeing complete justice in the conversation, so I thought I'd expand a little bit here. I honestly feel the worst I have in a long time. I can't fully explain it, other than the losing a friendship. It feels like my mind has moved on, but my soul hasn't, and no matter how hard I try, I can't make it. I talked to my mentor today and he said that a lot of times chemicals can just get so exhausted from producing that at times like these they need time to recharge, even if you think you should be able to move on. I think that may be true here. Regardless, very little time goes by where I'm not feeling completely helpless. I have no energy or motivation for anything. I feel hopeless and worthless. I feel physically exhausted, and am struggling to do everything from shower to go to school. It's this odd combination of just this feeling of emptiness inside with nothing to fill it, and this problem of not being able to fully express what's going on because I don't understand. I don't know what to do with myself, almost nothing helps. I feel like I am weeping on the inside, but nothing falls from my eyes.

On a last happy note, I hung out with my friend the past three days, and yesterday as I was lying on the couch I felt the most content that I have all week. I don't know if this was due to her stroking my head, or just not being alone, or being distracted by the tv, but something was right, and I felt ok.