This is going to be a very fast sporadic post because I am trying to capture feelings that do not last.
For some reason I have this thing where if my friends do some things I have this pretty much indescribable feeling that consumes me. It's really weird, and I've only met one other person who has anything like it.
As far as I can remember, this happens with substance use and sexual relations. The first time that I remember it happening is sophomore year. One of my friends did one of these things previously mentioned and I remember just feeling immense pain. So much so, that I was writhing in my bed not able to be still because of this new feeling. I remember not being able to understand it. I have tended to struggle with being a judgmental person, but since then I remember not feeling any judgement towards my friends, just pain and suffering for them. It has happened consistently with any situation like those previously mentioned.
When it happens, the feeling consumes my whole body. I start to feel very hot all over. I doubt my temperature actually rises, but I legitimately feel feverish. The next thing that happens is I experience a burning sensation on my exposed skin. It's not necessarily an intense burn, more of a prickling pain. I experience an odd pain in my chest. It's a beating, yet an emptiness at the same time. It feels like there is a hole wrenching and yearning for something to fill it. In addition to the outside burning I get an odd feeling in my head. It's like an inside burning that feels like a headache. Finally, I get nauseous. This completes the wonderful package that is my physical feeling during these times.
I wrote this on my depression blog because I think it is connected. It didn't start until I was depressed. I get extremely sad when it happens. I don't know if it will go away if my depression goes away. I don't know if I want it to go away. I'm not so sure it's a bad thing. I hate it, but maybe it's what God has for me. I've only told very few people about this, and never in such detail. So I decided to keep to the rules of this blog and write about it.
In true Doctrine and Theology format, I will now give the reason for these feelings, in my opinion.
2 Corinthians 12:2, Ephesians 5:18, Mark 12:30(more to come as I think about this and look up more stuff).
Feel free to respond with thoughts about this, if you have it, other scripture passages. Also, I'm trying to figure out wether or not I should go somewhere that I know this will happen. If you think God is telling you something about it let me know.
Jeremiah 20:9
ReplyDeleteBut if I say, “I will not mention his word
or speak anymore in his name,”
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot.
The greater context for this passage is about Jeremiah being ridiculed for speaking the very harsh words of God. He tries to stop speaking but is overcome by the "fire" in his bones.
When I read your post, I think about "fire" in your bones, an emotion that is very hard to describe, but as real as the air you breath. Jeremiah has it because he must express God's word's. The same feeling comes to you because of deep sense of someone else's pain. As if it manifests itself in your body without any permission.
Also, if I understand you right, you are contemplating going to a "physical" location that triggers this sort of "fire" in your bones. If you are planning on doing that, don't go alone, because you may need strength from another.