Choked Up

I realize I haven't given an update lately so I think I'll go ahead and fill you guys in on the last week.

The day after my last post my dad had a grand mal seizure. That means that it wasn't little, but in my opinion it wasn't as bad as the one last May. I was very calm throughout the process. My mom woke me up and I waited five minutes and then called the paramedics because I remembered them saying to do this last time he had one. I went to the hospital and sat with my parents in the ER. I was supposed to have a meeting with my mentor about whether or not I should go to bonnaroo so I went to school and met with him and stayed for percussion. Obviously we talked about a lot more than bonnaroo given what had happened.

I thought that my big struggle with this whole ordeal was just going to be understanding that God is good all the time(all the time God is good). So I wrestled with this a lot and am still wrestling with it. However that has turned out to be not the biggest setback coming from this event. My depression has come on quite strong as of late. I have been significantly less motivated to do anything, especially homework. I haven't been taking care of myself hygienically and have been eating only when fed, never making my own meals. Two days ago I went home halfway through the day because my depression started to make me feel physically ill and the combination was too much to handle. Most of all I haven't been able to do homework. This semester I have been doing very well at getting just enough motivation squeezed out to complete the homework that I need to do, but this past week I shut down.

Instead of letting it snowball any further, like I did last year, I went and talked to my school's counselor yesterday. This was a big step for me because it took initiative to say that I was getting more depressed and to get help for it rather than let it grow into something unmanageable. After talking with my counselor, we decided that she would email all my teachers and I would talk to the ones that I was having trouble with. My most overdue assignment is a five paragraph essay for my government class. For some reason this paper has been giving me a lot of trouble. I can't really figure out why, but my mood just never agrees with doing the paper.

After several minutes of fighting myself back and forth on whether or not to talk to my government teacher, I decided to go to his office and tell him about my depression. I told him that I struggle with it and that I'm really trying to get this paper done, but it just hasn't been working lately. The weird part about this though was that I started to tear up. I had trouble talking, my voice choked up, all the classic pre-cry events took place. This was extremely abnormal. I cannot remember the last time I cried. It is not something that I really ever do. After thinking about it, I think that my reason for crying was that some part of me realized that after two years, I am still dealing with this. It still defines so much of what I am. This is really annoying and fairly discouraging, and I guess hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.

Well That's my week. If there is anything you want to know more about please feel free to comment or talk to me and I will be happy to elaborate. Just glad to have another opportunity to be honest about what's going on.