The Thick Blanket Returns

I can't really talk about what happened, but I just wanted to say that last night I got a lot more depressed. It has a root of loneliness. I feel so alone now, and I'm realizing that it's not up to me to fix that. This sucks. I can't make myself less alone. It's up to other people and, ultimately, God. I'm so scared that God is going to keep me alone. I finally started to feel like I wasn't going to be alone and then, in an instant,  I reverted back to what I always go back to. I am alone; at least in this world. This is probably my biggest fear, and it is being realized. I don't want to have to rely on God for everything. I want to be close to people and rely on them, even though time and time again I see that they are unreliable.

I went to bed and woke up this morning depressed. I don't know how to explain it, but I guess I should try. It's this unidentifiable sadness. It's more than not wanting to do things. It's a thick blanket over everything about you. I feel hopeless. I feel worthless. I am overwhelmed. It takes over all of my being, I am completely and totally sad. It isn't something that I can control. When I try and talk about it, I feel like I'm about to cry. This is a lot like what happened in my government teacher's office. It's coming to an understanding that I have been depressed, am depressed, and will be depressed until something changes. I feel like the earthly part of me just keeps thinking that I'll be fine once I find a real "best" friend. I need to stop relying on this and realize that God is the only way that I can be with someone and not alone.

Here's a song that for some reason has been really good for me lately, it's by an awesome band you should all listen to. They have good sad music and good happy music. This is a nice blend of the two.