Well it's been a crazy two weeks. Last weekend was prom 2011, and this week has been very busy with an art show, playing in chapel twice, an evening of honor, and my last coffee house at WA, not to mention a surprise birthday party for my friend. The weird thing is, I don't really have a lot to say about these events as a whole, because my life seems to be wildly inconsistent as of late. Some times I feel great. Other times I feel awful. Some times I just don't feel. I don't know what else to say. I could go into detail and tell you how each thing went, but that would be long and I'd much rather just tell you myself. So please feel free to ask how anything was.
I guess I'll just say that the inconsistency in mood, people, and events has been very confusing and disheartening. This is especially apparent because I have really been trying to hear God's voice lately, and it just seems like I'm getting all of this mixed information. I'm sure he is speaking to me, but I am having a lot of trouble distinguishing it. Sometimes it even feels like I would rather just be crappy all the time so I was used to it. I know that the bad accentuates the good, but it also feels like the good accentuates the bad at times. Yes, this is skewed, but it doesn't change the fact that I feel this way.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Redemption
So Friday went from being one of the most painful nights of my life to Saturday's completely unexpected redemption of this situation.
Alright, Alright, I'll explain a bit more. Friday night I experienced my physical pain thing with substance use. If you don't know what this is, please go back and read the blog post with no title that starts with "this is going to be a fast sporadic post". Anyway, it happened again. The thing that made this time so hard was that the person who caused it knows about what happens to me. As you can probably see, with my last few posts, I have a lot of trouble with trusting that people care about me. Obviously, this was one such instance. So I sat there, experiencing both physical and emotional pain. Eventually I talked to the friend, but that didn't really do very much. I then drove my other friend home. We talked a lot and I cried and explained everything. Then I went to another friend's house and talked some more. Eventually I asked the friend that was involved in the issue if we could talk in person that night. She said no.
This is where God started working. The old me would have said, "Forget that, I'm coming over anyway!", but I remembered a conversation that my mentor and I had about timing. He said that even if it makes sense, and is right for you, the other person may not be ready to hear what you have to say. So, I waited.
So it came to the next day. I decided to read my Bible for the first time in months. I read 1 Corinthians 13, and every Psalm with the word truth in the NIV concordance, along with a few others. After this, I went to Arco practice, and then to my last instrumental concert.
I could make an entire post about the concert, but I will try to keep it concise(ish). I didn't have my best concert, in fact, I made quite a few mistakes. However, it was probably my favorite concert that I have been a part of. The energy in that show was something that I haven't experienced at WA before. More than that though, I was able to be deeply encouraged by my instructor of 4 years, and I was able to encourage him.
After this, it was time for me to talk with the friend that I had the giant issue with the night before. Now you're probably expecting me to still be pretty upset, considering it was the worst I had felt in a long time. Well, so was I, but by that time I was so happy from playing music with the people that I love that all I wanted to do was go and tell me friend how much I loved them. Seriously. All I wanted to do was communicate my love to my dear friend, regardless of the situation. We talked about what had happened. I tried to explain, as did they. That went fine, but all I wanted was for them to know that they were loved, and as a tangent off that, that they could still trust me. Because of this, we ended up talking for a long time and telling each other things that we were both afraid to say before. I should also mention that, I have finally started to move into depending on God rather than people a bit more, and I think this made the conversation much easier to have.
In short, I went from thinking that I was going to lose a friend, to strengthening a very important friendship. As far as depression goes (seeing as this is the point of my blog), this feels like a big step in the right direction. I feel like I am not only starting to rely on God a little bit more, but I was able to have a healthy friendship, and feel the best that I have in a long time. I do not know if this was the medicine working, or if it was God working through music and friends, but I do know that it was good.
Alright, Alright, I'll explain a bit more. Friday night I experienced my physical pain thing with substance use. If you don't know what this is, please go back and read the blog post with no title that starts with "this is going to be a fast sporadic post". Anyway, it happened again. The thing that made this time so hard was that the person who caused it knows about what happens to me. As you can probably see, with my last few posts, I have a lot of trouble with trusting that people care about me. Obviously, this was one such instance. So I sat there, experiencing both physical and emotional pain. Eventually I talked to the friend, but that didn't really do very much. I then drove my other friend home. We talked a lot and I cried and explained everything. Then I went to another friend's house and talked some more. Eventually I asked the friend that was involved in the issue if we could talk in person that night. She said no.
This is where God started working. The old me would have said, "Forget that, I'm coming over anyway!", but I remembered a conversation that my mentor and I had about timing. He said that even if it makes sense, and is right for you, the other person may not be ready to hear what you have to say. So, I waited.
So it came to the next day. I decided to read my Bible for the first time in months. I read 1 Corinthians 13, and every Psalm with the word truth in the NIV concordance, along with a few others. After this, I went to Arco practice, and then to my last instrumental concert.
I could make an entire post about the concert, but I will try to keep it concise(ish). I didn't have my best concert, in fact, I made quite a few mistakes. However, it was probably my favorite concert that I have been a part of. The energy in that show was something that I haven't experienced at WA before. More than that though, I was able to be deeply encouraged by my instructor of 4 years, and I was able to encourage him.
After this, it was time for me to talk with the friend that I had the giant issue with the night before. Now you're probably expecting me to still be pretty upset, considering it was the worst I had felt in a long time. Well, so was I, but by that time I was so happy from playing music with the people that I love that all I wanted to do was go and tell me friend how much I loved them. Seriously. All I wanted to do was communicate my love to my dear friend, regardless of the situation. We talked about what had happened. I tried to explain, as did they. That went fine, but all I wanted was for them to know that they were loved, and as a tangent off that, that they could still trust me. Because of this, we ended up talking for a long time and telling each other things that we were both afraid to say before. I should also mention that, I have finally started to move into depending on God rather than people a bit more, and I think this made the conversation much easier to have.
In short, I went from thinking that I was going to lose a friend, to strengthening a very important friendship. As far as depression goes (seeing as this is the point of my blog), this feels like a big step in the right direction. I feel like I am not only starting to rely on God a little bit more, but I was able to have a healthy friendship, and feel the best that I have in a long time. I do not know if this was the medicine working, or if it was God working through music and friends, but I do know that it was good.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Another day, Another medication
I went to the psychiatrist again, so I thought I'd continue tradition and post about it.
Basically, he asked me a lot of questions, and I answered him honestly. Here's the basics of what we talked about: I told him that I had pretty much been the same, no better or worse, until this past week. I said that this past week had been awful, but it might just be situational. I explained that I basically lost yet another best friendship a week ago, and it's taken quite a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and even physically. I have been nauseous and had a lack of appetite, and for a few days I had trouble sleeping. My mood has been constantly down. I haven't been able to get up in the mornings, as in I physically cannot get myself up for first or second period typically. I am falling behind in school, in fact I am failing a class. The missing assignments are starting to pile up and I don't know what to do. I haven't been spending a whole lot of time with people, except for one friend, whom I have enjoyed seeing a lot lately. He asked me when I had felt the best and I said probably this past August, but that may just have been because of my mission trip. I haven't noticed any difference in the various medications.
My parents came in and he asked them how I was doing. They basically said the same, with glimpses of being better, but that always goes away. He then asked them when I had been my best, they said probably after a trip. My dad said that I am best when I don't have a load of responsibilities or big decisions. My mom said that I had handled decisions pretty well lately. He then said that he was going to switch me off abilify. My dad asked if the psychiatrist had ever considered a stimulant. He thought about it and really liked that idea, so he changed the prescription to a stimulant. He said that this has helped people with motivation and mood, and at least it would probably help me get up in the mornings. So, I am now taking adderall, along with my other medications. This doesn't mean I have ADD, it just means that, like my psychiatrist said, we have exhausted most of the common approaches to depression, and this is a different method that we can try. So, add another medication to the ongoing list.
I also feel like I didn't do my wellbeing complete justice in the conversation, so I thought I'd expand a little bit here. I honestly feel the worst I have in a long time. I can't fully explain it, other than the losing a friendship. It feels like my mind has moved on, but my soul hasn't, and no matter how hard I try, I can't make it. I talked to my mentor today and he said that a lot of times chemicals can just get so exhausted from producing that at times like these they need time to recharge, even if you think you should be able to move on. I think that may be true here. Regardless, very little time goes by where I'm not feeling completely helpless. I have no energy or motivation for anything. I feel hopeless and worthless. I feel physically exhausted, and am struggling to do everything from shower to go to school. It's this odd combination of just this feeling of emptiness inside with nothing to fill it, and this problem of not being able to fully express what's going on because I don't understand. I don't know what to do with myself, almost nothing helps. I feel like I am weeping on the inside, but nothing falls from my eyes.
On a last happy note, I hung out with my friend the past three days, and yesterday as I was lying on the couch I felt the most content that I have all week. I don't know if this was due to her stroking my head, or just not being alone, or being distracted by the tv, but something was right, and I felt ok.
Basically, he asked me a lot of questions, and I answered him honestly. Here's the basics of what we talked about: I told him that I had pretty much been the same, no better or worse, until this past week. I said that this past week had been awful, but it might just be situational. I explained that I basically lost yet another best friendship a week ago, and it's taken quite a toll on me mentally, emotionally, and even physically. I have been nauseous and had a lack of appetite, and for a few days I had trouble sleeping. My mood has been constantly down. I haven't been able to get up in the mornings, as in I physically cannot get myself up for first or second period typically. I am falling behind in school, in fact I am failing a class. The missing assignments are starting to pile up and I don't know what to do. I haven't been spending a whole lot of time with people, except for one friend, whom I have enjoyed seeing a lot lately. He asked me when I had felt the best and I said probably this past August, but that may just have been because of my mission trip. I haven't noticed any difference in the various medications.
My parents came in and he asked them how I was doing. They basically said the same, with glimpses of being better, but that always goes away. He then asked them when I had been my best, they said probably after a trip. My dad said that I am best when I don't have a load of responsibilities or big decisions. My mom said that I had handled decisions pretty well lately. He then said that he was going to switch me off abilify. My dad asked if the psychiatrist had ever considered a stimulant. He thought about it and really liked that idea, so he changed the prescription to a stimulant. He said that this has helped people with motivation and mood, and at least it would probably help me get up in the mornings. So, I am now taking adderall, along with my other medications. This doesn't mean I have ADD, it just means that, like my psychiatrist said, we have exhausted most of the common approaches to depression, and this is a different method that we can try. So, add another medication to the ongoing list.
I also feel like I didn't do my wellbeing complete justice in the conversation, so I thought I'd expand a little bit here. I honestly feel the worst I have in a long time. I can't fully explain it, other than the losing a friendship. It feels like my mind has moved on, but my soul hasn't, and no matter how hard I try, I can't make it. I talked to my mentor today and he said that a lot of times chemicals can just get so exhausted from producing that at times like these they need time to recharge, even if you think you should be able to move on. I think that may be true here. Regardless, very little time goes by where I'm not feeling completely helpless. I have no energy or motivation for anything. I feel hopeless and worthless. I feel physically exhausted, and am struggling to do everything from shower to go to school. It's this odd combination of just this feeling of emptiness inside with nothing to fill it, and this problem of not being able to fully express what's going on because I don't understand. I don't know what to do with myself, almost nothing helps. I feel like I am weeping on the inside, but nothing falls from my eyes.
On a last happy note, I hung out with my friend the past three days, and yesterday as I was lying on the couch I felt the most content that I have all week. I don't know if this was due to her stroking my head, or just not being alone, or being distracted by the tv, but something was right, and I felt ok.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
All Alone In An Empty House
A band that I've been listening to called Lost In The Trees has a song, All Alone In An Empty House, that says the line "I'm so selfless here.". I have been thinking about this a lot over the past week. A lot has happened with friends, friend's friends, myself, and the world. And it has raised this question for me: What does it mean to be selfless?
It seems to me that being selfless and conforming to the pattern of this world do not go together. I constantly see people choose themselves. This is discouraging. I have been trying to choose others over myself, as have some people that I love dearly, and it has turned out to be a very solemn path with little help given from others. I write this in a depression blog to say that it is unbelievably difficult, for me, to balance my faith and my depression. I am called in Romans to consider others better than myself. This is twisted in depression into seeing myself as worthless. The fact that the command from Romans is not often reciprocated merely strengthens the sense of, I would say loneliness. Later in the song, Lost In The Trees has the line "I'm so lonely here." This is a profound moment to me, as it, in a sense connects selflessness with loneliness. I would have to say that at times, including this past weekend, I have seen this to be true to an extent.
I could say much more, or I could specify to an extent what events have lead to me thinking this way, but I have decided that the core principal and song communicate the pain and desire for something that I have experienced recently.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Metaphor
I was going to do a free-write about how I'm feeling, but I decided that wouldn't be very fair for some people, so I'm going to write about a metaphor I just experienced while watching the season finale of a show called Parenthood.
Basically this girl Amber doesn't get into college and so she starts trying to run her own life. She's doing drugs and drinking and hanging out with this guy, and her mom wants to help her but Amber literally pushes her mother down and runs away. Eventually Amber is driving with the guy while drinking and smoking pot and they run a red light and get in a big car accident. See here is where you would think that she would learn something, but instead she just is ignorant and doesn't apologize to her family for what has happened. Her mom and brother talk to her and try to explain to her that she's "lucky" and that she should appreciate her life now, but she doesn't.
Finally her grandpa takes her to the lot where the car from the accident is. He talks to her and says that he dreamt about having grandchildren (having her) and how she has his genes in her. She finally gives in and starts crying and apologizing. Later on she is at a reading of her mother's play and she leaves and starts crying again because she can't believe she almost wasn't there for it and the people around her. Finally she says that she wants to be like her mother.
I feel like this whole story is a pretty obvious metaphor, so I'll just briefly explain the parts that aren't. To me this was a story of my relying on friends to fulfill me rather than God. God keeps chasing after me and I keep pushing him away. I don't know why I keep pushing him away and trying to find the perfect friend, but I do. In reality he is the only perfection that I can ever find. I don't know if there will be a single turn around event like in the show, but I hope that I'm headed that way now. I really don't want to take any more of this.
Basically this girl Amber doesn't get into college and so she starts trying to run her own life. She's doing drugs and drinking and hanging out with this guy, and her mom wants to help her but Amber literally pushes her mother down and runs away. Eventually Amber is driving with the guy while drinking and smoking pot and they run a red light and get in a big car accident. See here is where you would think that she would learn something, but instead she just is ignorant and doesn't apologize to her family for what has happened. Her mom and brother talk to her and try to explain to her that she's "lucky" and that she should appreciate her life now, but she doesn't.
Finally her grandpa takes her to the lot where the car from the accident is. He talks to her and says that he dreamt about having grandchildren (having her) and how she has his genes in her. She finally gives in and starts crying and apologizing. Later on she is at a reading of her mother's play and she leaves and starts crying again because she can't believe she almost wasn't there for it and the people around her. Finally she says that she wants to be like her mother.
I feel like this whole story is a pretty obvious metaphor, so I'll just briefly explain the parts that aren't. To me this was a story of my relying on friends to fulfill me rather than God. God keeps chasing after me and I keep pushing him away. I don't know why I keep pushing him away and trying to find the perfect friend, but I do. In reality he is the only perfection that I can ever find. I don't know if there will be a single turn around event like in the show, but I hope that I'm headed that way now. I really don't want to take any more of this.
Monday, April 25, 2011
A Change Is Gonna Come
It has been a long time since I last blogged. Because of this I have a lot to blog about, so I will probably crank out quite a few posts over the next week. I figure my first post should be about why I haven't posted in such a long time (seems only fitting).
For some reason every time I have sat down to blog, I have had the sudden, overwhelming urge not to. I can remember several times where I was ready to blog and all of a sudden was very uncomfortable with the thought of sharing my life with anyone who wanted to read it. I have closed myself off to most of the world. Few people know what is going on in my heart and mind as of late. It is because of this that I feel a strong need to post now (rather than working on my latest writing workshop piece, although I am having a lot of fun writing a satire). I guess it comes down to the fact that I haven't had things go my way, and I haven't been comfortable with what's going on in my life. This may sound weird, seeing as I cannot control my depression, and it effects me on a daily basis, but I guess that just means that I have come to be somewhat comfortable and even confident in my depression. I still want it gone, but I have started to come to grips with my life a little bit, no matter how much it may be covered with despair.
Anyway, I apologize for not letting you, the reader of this blog, in on what has happened in my life as of late. I realize that, because of this, I have strayed away from one of the goals of this blog (to be more honest and transparent with my life and depression). I will try to make up for this gap with several posts this week. I'll also be posting some music that I've been listening to lately. I thought this one fitting, it's a Sam Cooke cover by Ben Sollee. He plays the cello, my favorite instrument to listen to. He is scheduled to play at Bonnarroo this summer. Credit to Zach Naylor for showing me Ben Sollee. Have a good listen.
For some reason every time I have sat down to blog, I have had the sudden, overwhelming urge not to. I can remember several times where I was ready to blog and all of a sudden was very uncomfortable with the thought of sharing my life with anyone who wanted to read it. I have closed myself off to most of the world. Few people know what is going on in my heart and mind as of late. It is because of this that I feel a strong need to post now (rather than working on my latest writing workshop piece, although I am having a lot of fun writing a satire). I guess it comes down to the fact that I haven't had things go my way, and I haven't been comfortable with what's going on in my life. This may sound weird, seeing as I cannot control my depression, and it effects me on a daily basis, but I guess that just means that I have come to be somewhat comfortable and even confident in my depression. I still want it gone, but I have started to come to grips with my life a little bit, no matter how much it may be covered with despair.
Anyway, I apologize for not letting you, the reader of this blog, in on what has happened in my life as of late. I realize that, because of this, I have strayed away from one of the goals of this blog (to be more honest and transparent with my life and depression). I will try to make up for this gap with several posts this week. I'll also be posting some music that I've been listening to lately. I thought this one fitting, it's a Sam Cooke cover by Ben Sollee. He plays the cello, my favorite instrument to listen to. He is scheduled to play at Bonnarroo this summer. Credit to Zach Naylor for showing me Ben Sollee. Have a good listen.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
No One Said It Would Be Easy
Seeing as I have been sick and on tour, it has been a while since I posted. I have decided that I will save the tour post until after choir tour and combine them. Because of this, I have decided to run through yesterday as it happened after school.
I talked with some friends after school for a while. Somehow I ended up feeling more alone then I had before, so I decided to leave. On the drive home I listened to Feel Good Ghosts, an excellent album by Cloud Cult, a band that each one of you should check out if you haven't already. This is a great album that I consider to be very spiritual, I will add one of the songs on this album at the end of this post.
After this lovely listening, I arrived at home and took a tasty hour-long nap until I had to wake up for my psychiatrist appointment. I got to my psychiatrist appointment and went on in to his office. We talked about a lot, I'll see what I can remember. We went through the classics. He asked me how I have been doing this past month. I told him that I was pretty good on tour, but before and after I was about the same as I have been for a long time. He asked me why I seem to be so much worse when I'm home. This is interesting. I couldn't really answer. The only thing I could really say was that tour is the perfect combination of God, service, and music. He asked me if I'm suicidal. I believe I responded, "I don't particularly want to live, but I don't want to kill myself". I'm sure we talked about some more subjects, but this is what I remember. Then he brought my mom in and she agreed that I haven't been doing any better. He then said that he will double my prestiq dosage.
After this I went home and showered, and then drove out to Oak Park for my Mission Year interview. It was pretty much what you would expect. The part that relates to this blog is that I had to talk about my depression. This was weird for me. I basically had to say things that I knew would hurt my application. I hadn't really thought about how these two things would interact. It was interesting to really realize that I will be away from my closest friends and not be able to talk to them very much for a year.
Anyway, I'm leaving for choir tour tomorrow and very worried about being lonely the whole time. Please pray against loneliness on my behalf. Here's the song as promised.
I talked with some friends after school for a while. Somehow I ended up feeling more alone then I had before, so I decided to leave. On the drive home I listened to Feel Good Ghosts, an excellent album by Cloud Cult, a band that each one of you should check out if you haven't already. This is a great album that I consider to be very spiritual, I will add one of the songs on this album at the end of this post.
After this lovely listening, I arrived at home and took a tasty hour-long nap until I had to wake up for my psychiatrist appointment. I got to my psychiatrist appointment and went on in to his office. We talked about a lot, I'll see what I can remember. We went through the classics. He asked me how I have been doing this past month. I told him that I was pretty good on tour, but before and after I was about the same as I have been for a long time. He asked me why I seem to be so much worse when I'm home. This is interesting. I couldn't really answer. The only thing I could really say was that tour is the perfect combination of God, service, and music. He asked me if I'm suicidal. I believe I responded, "I don't particularly want to live, but I don't want to kill myself". I'm sure we talked about some more subjects, but this is what I remember. Then he brought my mom in and she agreed that I haven't been doing any better. He then said that he will double my prestiq dosage.
After this I went home and showered, and then drove out to Oak Park for my Mission Year interview. It was pretty much what you would expect. The part that relates to this blog is that I had to talk about my depression. This was weird for me. I basically had to say things that I knew would hurt my application. I hadn't really thought about how these two things would interact. It was interesting to really realize that I will be away from my closest friends and not be able to talk to them very much for a year.
Anyway, I'm leaving for choir tour tomorrow and very worried about being lonely the whole time. Please pray against loneliness on my behalf. Here's the song as promised.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Please Don't Stop the Music
I love music.
I legitimately considered stopping the post right there, but I guess I should continue. Music takes me away from depression. Although the wrong song can dig me deeper in, the majority of music is one of the only remedies I have found. Listening to music takes me to another place. That's why I posted that Noah and the Whale song on my last blog (read it if you missed it). I also love watching live music. It doesn't even have to be good. I just appreciate people stepping out and giving a piece of them for me to experience. I feel connected to live music in a profound way.
Finally, of course, there is the actually performing of live music. Oh man does this change who I am. I feel like I can be whoever I want when I play music, especially live. It's an amazing feeling, more so, from my experience, for someone with depression. I live my day to day life under oppression by depression (intentional rhyme) not able to be who I want to be, and then all of a sudden that burden is lifted. Music allows me to be anyone that I want to be. For just a little while, I don't have to deal with the crap in my life, or if I want, I can use music to help me deal with the crap in my life. It's awesome, and definitely God given.
I felt this a lot last night at the coffee house. It was like I was a different person. I had courage to get on the mic and tell everyone to be quiet. I played with several groups. I really listened to everyone who played and thoroughly enjoyed it. I sang in front of a good number of people with real emotion for the first time in a while. This took me away from everything. I danced like there was no tomorrow and probably looked like an idiot, but didn't care. It was the freest I have felt in a very long time. I even was able to sing a song that I really connect with for what seems like a different reason every time. I'll add it at the end of this post. Normally I connect with it because of the stuff about my dad, or the time I sat out on the deck with my friend all night, but this time I asked Colin if we could sing it because of how alone I felt. It was a really good thing for me to sing (I'm sure you'll see why as you listen to it).
Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed the performance! I sure did. Please feel free to leave comments on here or on my facebook as always, I really appreciate everyone that has taken the time to read these and get to know me a little better. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to practice honesty in a real way.
I legitimately considered stopping the post right there, but I guess I should continue. Music takes me away from depression. Although the wrong song can dig me deeper in, the majority of music is one of the only remedies I have found. Listening to music takes me to another place. That's why I posted that Noah and the Whale song on my last blog (read it if you missed it). I also love watching live music. It doesn't even have to be good. I just appreciate people stepping out and giving a piece of them for me to experience. I feel connected to live music in a profound way.
Finally, of course, there is the actually performing of live music. Oh man does this change who I am. I feel like I can be whoever I want when I play music, especially live. It's an amazing feeling, more so, from my experience, for someone with depression. I live my day to day life under oppression by depression (intentional rhyme) not able to be who I want to be, and then all of a sudden that burden is lifted. Music allows me to be anyone that I want to be. For just a little while, I don't have to deal with the crap in my life, or if I want, I can use music to help me deal with the crap in my life. It's awesome, and definitely God given.
I felt this a lot last night at the coffee house. It was like I was a different person. I had courage to get on the mic and tell everyone to be quiet. I played with several groups. I really listened to everyone who played and thoroughly enjoyed it. I sang in front of a good number of people with real emotion for the first time in a while. This took me away from everything. I danced like there was no tomorrow and probably looked like an idiot, but didn't care. It was the freest I have felt in a very long time. I even was able to sing a song that I really connect with for what seems like a different reason every time. I'll add it at the end of this post. Normally I connect with it because of the stuff about my dad, or the time I sat out on the deck with my friend all night, but this time I asked Colin if we could sing it because of how alone I felt. It was a really good thing for me to sing (I'm sure you'll see why as you listen to it).
Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed the performance! I sure did. Please feel free to leave comments on here or on my facebook as always, I really appreciate everyone that has taken the time to read these and get to know me a little better. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to practice honesty in a real way.
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Thick Blanket Returns
I can't really talk about what happened, but I just wanted to say that last night I got a lot more depressed. It has a root of loneliness. I feel so alone now, and I'm realizing that it's not up to me to fix that. This sucks. I can't make myself less alone. It's up to other people and, ultimately, God. I'm so scared that God is going to keep me alone. I finally started to feel like I wasn't going to be alone and then, in an instant, I reverted back to what I always go back to. I am alone; at least in this world. This is probably my biggest fear, and it is being realized. I don't want to have to rely on God for everything. I want to be close to people and rely on them, even though time and time again I see that they are unreliable.
I went to bed and woke up this morning depressed. I don't know how to explain it, but I guess I should try. It's this unidentifiable sadness. It's more than not wanting to do things. It's a thick blanket over everything about you. I feel hopeless. I feel worthless. I am overwhelmed. It takes over all of my being, I am completely and totally sad. It isn't something that I can control. When I try and talk about it, I feel like I'm about to cry. This is a lot like what happened in my government teacher's office. It's coming to an understanding that I have been depressed, am depressed, and will be depressed until something changes. I feel like the earthly part of me just keeps thinking that I'll be fine once I find a real "best" friend. I need to stop relying on this and realize that God is the only way that I can be with someone and not alone.
Here's a song that for some reason has been really good for me lately, it's by an awesome band you should all listen to. They have good sad music and good happy music. This is a nice blend of the two.
I went to bed and woke up this morning depressed. I don't know how to explain it, but I guess I should try. It's this unidentifiable sadness. It's more than not wanting to do things. It's a thick blanket over everything about you. I feel hopeless. I feel worthless. I am overwhelmed. It takes over all of my being, I am completely and totally sad. It isn't something that I can control. When I try and talk about it, I feel like I'm about to cry. This is a lot like what happened in my government teacher's office. It's coming to an understanding that I have been depressed, am depressed, and will be depressed until something changes. I feel like the earthly part of me just keeps thinking that I'll be fine once I find a real "best" friend. I need to stop relying on this and realize that God is the only way that I can be with someone and not alone.
Here's a song that for some reason has been really good for me lately, it's by an awesome band you should all listen to. They have good sad music and good happy music. This is a nice blend of the two.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Choked Up
I realize I haven't given an update lately so I think I'll go ahead and fill you guys in on the last week.
The day after my last post my dad had a grand mal seizure. That means that it wasn't little, but in my opinion it wasn't as bad as the one last May. I was very calm throughout the process. My mom woke me up and I waited five minutes and then called the paramedics because I remembered them saying to do this last time he had one. I went to the hospital and sat with my parents in the ER. I was supposed to have a meeting with my mentor about whether or not I should go to bonnaroo so I went to school and met with him and stayed for percussion. Obviously we talked about a lot more than bonnaroo given what had happened.
I thought that my big struggle with this whole ordeal was just going to be understanding that God is good all the time(all the time God is good). So I wrestled with this a lot and am still wrestling with it. However that has turned out to be not the biggest setback coming from this event. My depression has come on quite strong as of late. I have been significantly less motivated to do anything, especially homework. I haven't been taking care of myself hygienically and have been eating only when fed, never making my own meals. Two days ago I went home halfway through the day because my depression started to make me feel physically ill and the combination was too much to handle. Most of all I haven't been able to do homework. This semester I have been doing very well at getting just enough motivation squeezed out to complete the homework that I need to do, but this past week I shut down.
Instead of letting it snowball any further, like I did last year, I went and talked to my school's counselor yesterday. This was a big step for me because it took initiative to say that I was getting more depressed and to get help for it rather than let it grow into something unmanageable. After talking with my counselor, we decided that she would email all my teachers and I would talk to the ones that I was having trouble with. My most overdue assignment is a five paragraph essay for my government class. For some reason this paper has been giving me a lot of trouble. I can't really figure out why, but my mood just never agrees with doing the paper.
After several minutes of fighting myself back and forth on whether or not to talk to my government teacher, I decided to go to his office and tell him about my depression. I told him that I struggle with it and that I'm really trying to get this paper done, but it just hasn't been working lately. The weird part about this though was that I started to tear up. I had trouble talking, my voice choked up, all the classic pre-cry events took place. This was extremely abnormal. I cannot remember the last time I cried. It is not something that I really ever do. After thinking about it, I think that my reason for crying was that some part of me realized that after two years, I am still dealing with this. It still defines so much of what I am. This is really annoying and fairly discouraging, and I guess hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.
Well That's my week. If there is anything you want to know more about please feel free to comment or talk to me and I will be happy to elaborate. Just glad to have another opportunity to be honest about what's going on.
The day after my last post my dad had a grand mal seizure. That means that it wasn't little, but in my opinion it wasn't as bad as the one last May. I was very calm throughout the process. My mom woke me up and I waited five minutes and then called the paramedics because I remembered them saying to do this last time he had one. I went to the hospital and sat with my parents in the ER. I was supposed to have a meeting with my mentor about whether or not I should go to bonnaroo so I went to school and met with him and stayed for percussion. Obviously we talked about a lot more than bonnaroo given what had happened.
I thought that my big struggle with this whole ordeal was just going to be understanding that God is good all the time(all the time God is good). So I wrestled with this a lot and am still wrestling with it. However that has turned out to be not the biggest setback coming from this event. My depression has come on quite strong as of late. I have been significantly less motivated to do anything, especially homework. I haven't been taking care of myself hygienically and have been eating only when fed, never making my own meals. Two days ago I went home halfway through the day because my depression started to make me feel physically ill and the combination was too much to handle. Most of all I haven't been able to do homework. This semester I have been doing very well at getting just enough motivation squeezed out to complete the homework that I need to do, but this past week I shut down.
Instead of letting it snowball any further, like I did last year, I went and talked to my school's counselor yesterday. This was a big step for me because it took initiative to say that I was getting more depressed and to get help for it rather than let it grow into something unmanageable. After talking with my counselor, we decided that she would email all my teachers and I would talk to the ones that I was having trouble with. My most overdue assignment is a five paragraph essay for my government class. For some reason this paper has been giving me a lot of trouble. I can't really figure out why, but my mood just never agrees with doing the paper.
After several minutes of fighting myself back and forth on whether or not to talk to my government teacher, I decided to go to his office and tell him about my depression. I told him that I struggle with it and that I'm really trying to get this paper done, but it just hasn't been working lately. The weird part about this though was that I started to tear up. I had trouble talking, my voice choked up, all the classic pre-cry events took place. This was extremely abnormal. I cannot remember the last time I cried. It is not something that I really ever do. After thinking about it, I think that my reason for crying was that some part of me realized that after two years, I am still dealing with this. It still defines so much of what I am. This is really annoying and fairly discouraging, and I guess hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.
Well That's my week. If there is anything you want to know more about please feel free to comment or talk to me and I will be happy to elaborate. Just glad to have another opportunity to be honest about what's going on.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Psych!
So I went to the psychiatrist today, and I figured I should tell anyone who is interested what happened.
I'll just do this kind of like a secretary who would have taken notes on the meeting. That aughtta spice things up!
Psychiatrist: So how have you been?
Josh: About the same as last time. So a 5 and a half or 6 on average.
P: So it hasn't gotten any better? What is your range from high to low?
J: About a 3 to an 8.
P: Well how do you feel about changing medicines?
J: Don't care.
P: Alright let me call in your parents.
J: Wait, can I ask you something? I have this weird pain thing(goes into detail about last blog post). Is that related to depression or God?
P: Well I can't speak for God, but that doesn't sound like depression.
(P goes to get mom and dad)
P: Well how do you think Josh is doing?
Dad: He seems pretty miserable.
P: Yeah, that's what I got too. Well I think I'm going to change his medication, even though I'm weary of messing up the balance. Cymbalta seems to have worked the best so far, that's what he's on now. So I'm going to put him on something that's in the same family. (He explains the families and the difference between the two drugs he had considered, ask me if you want to know more). So I think I'll put him on Prestiq.
D: How will you wean him off the cymbalta?
P: Well the 90 mg hasn't done anything so we'll cut him immediately down to 60 mg for a month, and then 30 mg for a month.
J: That seems long.
P: It's not, but we'll put you on the prestiq right away.
J: Is there a chance that the combination will make me better and then taking me off the cymbalta will make it worse?
P: Yes I have had that happen. If it does, we will work from there.
Ok that was the main regular conversation. Now I'll tell you about the other two big, abnormal conversations that happened after.
First, we decided that I should go to therapy again. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
Second, my mom told my psychiatrist about my lip biting thing (from reading my blog) without telling me that she knew, or was going to tell him. I'm sure how I feel about this.
I'll just do this kind of like a secretary who would have taken notes on the meeting. That aughtta spice things up!
Psychiatrist: So how have you been?
Josh: About the same as last time. So a 5 and a half or 6 on average.
P: So it hasn't gotten any better? What is your range from high to low?
J: About a 3 to an 8.
P: Well how do you feel about changing medicines?
J: Don't care.
P: Alright let me call in your parents.
J: Wait, can I ask you something? I have this weird pain thing(goes into detail about last blog post). Is that related to depression or God?
P: Well I can't speak for God, but that doesn't sound like depression.
(P goes to get mom and dad)
P: Well how do you think Josh is doing?
Dad: He seems pretty miserable.
P: Yeah, that's what I got too. Well I think I'm going to change his medication, even though I'm weary of messing up the balance. Cymbalta seems to have worked the best so far, that's what he's on now. So I'm going to put him on something that's in the same family. (He explains the families and the difference between the two drugs he had considered, ask me if you want to know more). So I think I'll put him on Prestiq.
D: How will you wean him off the cymbalta?
P: Well the 90 mg hasn't done anything so we'll cut him immediately down to 60 mg for a month, and then 30 mg for a month.
J: That seems long.
P: It's not, but we'll put you on the prestiq right away.
J: Is there a chance that the combination will make me better and then taking me off the cymbalta will make it worse?
P: Yes I have had that happen. If it does, we will work from there.
Ok that was the main regular conversation. Now I'll tell you about the other two big, abnormal conversations that happened after.
First, we decided that I should go to therapy again. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
Second, my mom told my psychiatrist about my lip biting thing (from reading my blog) without telling me that she knew, or was going to tell him. I'm sure how I feel about this.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
This is going to be a very fast sporadic post because I am trying to capture feelings that do not last.
For some reason I have this thing where if my friends do some things I have this pretty much indescribable feeling that consumes me. It's really weird, and I've only met one other person who has anything like it.
As far as I can remember, this happens with substance use and sexual relations. The first time that I remember it happening is sophomore year. One of my friends did one of these things previously mentioned and I remember just feeling immense pain. So much so, that I was writhing in my bed not able to be still because of this new feeling. I remember not being able to understand it. I have tended to struggle with being a judgmental person, but since then I remember not feeling any judgement towards my friends, just pain and suffering for them. It has happened consistently with any situation like those previously mentioned.
When it happens, the feeling consumes my whole body. I start to feel very hot all over. I doubt my temperature actually rises, but I legitimately feel feverish. The next thing that happens is I experience a burning sensation on my exposed skin. It's not necessarily an intense burn, more of a prickling pain. I experience an odd pain in my chest. It's a beating, yet an emptiness at the same time. It feels like there is a hole wrenching and yearning for something to fill it. In addition to the outside burning I get an odd feeling in my head. It's like an inside burning that feels like a headache. Finally, I get nauseous. This completes the wonderful package that is my physical feeling during these times.
I wrote this on my depression blog because I think it is connected. It didn't start until I was depressed. I get extremely sad when it happens. I don't know if it will go away if my depression goes away. I don't know if I want it to go away. I'm not so sure it's a bad thing. I hate it, but maybe it's what God has for me. I've only told very few people about this, and never in such detail. So I decided to keep to the rules of this blog and write about it.
In true Doctrine and Theology format, I will now give the reason for these feelings, in my opinion.
2 Corinthians 12:2, Ephesians 5:18, Mark 12:30(more to come as I think about this and look up more stuff).
Feel free to respond with thoughts about this, if you have it, other scripture passages. Also, I'm trying to figure out wether or not I should go somewhere that I know this will happen. If you think God is telling you something about it let me know.
For some reason I have this thing where if my friends do some things I have this pretty much indescribable feeling that consumes me. It's really weird, and I've only met one other person who has anything like it.
As far as I can remember, this happens with substance use and sexual relations. The first time that I remember it happening is sophomore year. One of my friends did one of these things previously mentioned and I remember just feeling immense pain. So much so, that I was writhing in my bed not able to be still because of this new feeling. I remember not being able to understand it. I have tended to struggle with being a judgmental person, but since then I remember not feeling any judgement towards my friends, just pain and suffering for them. It has happened consistently with any situation like those previously mentioned.
When it happens, the feeling consumes my whole body. I start to feel very hot all over. I doubt my temperature actually rises, but I legitimately feel feverish. The next thing that happens is I experience a burning sensation on my exposed skin. It's not necessarily an intense burn, more of a prickling pain. I experience an odd pain in my chest. It's a beating, yet an emptiness at the same time. It feels like there is a hole wrenching and yearning for something to fill it. In addition to the outside burning I get an odd feeling in my head. It's like an inside burning that feels like a headache. Finally, I get nauseous. This completes the wonderful package that is my physical feeling during these times.
I wrote this on my depression blog because I think it is connected. It didn't start until I was depressed. I get extremely sad when it happens. I don't know if it will go away if my depression goes away. I don't know if I want it to go away. I'm not so sure it's a bad thing. I hate it, but maybe it's what God has for me. I've only told very few people about this, and never in such detail. So I decided to keep to the rules of this blog and write about it.
In true Doctrine and Theology format, I will now give the reason for these feelings, in my opinion.
2 Corinthians 12:2, Ephesians 5:18, Mark 12:30(more to come as I think about this and look up more stuff).
Feel free to respond with thoughts about this, if you have it, other scripture passages. Also, I'm trying to figure out wether or not I should go somewhere that I know this will happen. If you think God is telling you something about it let me know.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
How are you?
I've been thinking a lot about how I answer people when they ask me how I am doing. It's kind of an interesting question because there can be so many different intents behind one simple inquisition. In my experience the average teenager says "Hey what's up?" when passing someone in the hall, but the average adult will say "Hey, how are you?". This in itself is interesting. Are adults really more interested than teenagers in how you are doing, or is that just the polite, or cultured way to say what's up?
Based on an experience I had this morning, I would have to say the latter. Today at church I walked by a woman that I know and I said "hey', like I usually do. She responded with "Hey, how are you?". I said "Good. How are you?'. As I turned to hear her answer I saw that she was already turning the corner not waiting to hear my answer, let alone respond to my question. As I think about it now, this is not uncommon. Most people that I pass that ask how I am doing are just walking by, so I answer "good" or "fine". No matter how I am feeling. This is because I don't want to share with them if they aren't genuinely interested. Also I just don't want to share.The problem that I have found is that I can't tell if people are truly interested so I just end up not sharing what's really going on in my life. Now, to be honest, I'm a closed off person a lot of the time, due to a lack of trust; so I'm not sure if I would share anyway, but I'd like to at least have the option.
Another thing that I have noticed is that my answer compensates for my depression. In reality, I am never fully doing well(as well as I was before depression), but I don't want to answer like that, so I say good if I'm as good as I can be while experiencing depression. If I were to rate on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the most depressed I have been and 10 being the least. I answer good for about a 7, and fine for a 5. Sometimes I'll be as low as a 3 and still say fine.
So, How am I doing? Well, I'll tell you. I'm about as good as I can be with my depression. I have had some great conversations recently; some of which I even started. I've taken initiative to go down to the city, do some homework, and invite friends to go to concerts with me. I haven't been very sad since my first blog post. So if you asked me, and many have, how I am doing. I would say that I am good. My conclusion: Good is a relative term in my book. Although, as I'm learning in philosophy, aren't all things?
P.S. I'm interested to hear any readers thoughts on this. Please comment below and say your thoughts on the culture of greetings or just answer with how you typically respond, wether it be good, fine, terrible, or anything else!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Bite Your Lip and Take It
So I have this really bad habit of biting the inside of my lip. I do it whenever I'm stressed or depressed(not that those two are usually separate). It's a very odd thing, but I thought that I would try and come clean about it and also attempt to put words on why I do it....so here it goes!
The thought process behind it is, for the most part, nonexistent. I mean it's not like I am completely unaware of what is going on. I realize that it is happening, but I don't consciously think "Oh I think I will go ahead and tear up my inner lip now." Truth is, I don't want to do it. Well part of me doesn't. The smart part of me doesn't want to do it, but that would be pretty boring to write about now would it? I guess the part of me that bites my lip has a lot of different motivations. Part of me likes to be in control, and that is an easy way to be in control. Another part honestly enjoys the pain. I don't know if that's a depressed thing or a weird person thing, but sometimes it feels good to hurt. Also, part of me just needs to feel something, anything, to know that I'm real. The pain preoccupies me and takes my mind off of whatever is at hand. Obviously, this is of value to a depressed person. Pain takes me somewhere else so that I don't have to face the problem at hand.
Another part of me that I'm still just beginning to understand likes to think that I'm screwed up. I don't know why, but a part of me wants to be dark and messed up. I think that depression is almost becoming hip, for this reason, but that's for another post in the future. Anyway, I wrote this short post because I wanted to be real about it and I wouldn't be opposed to reader's keeping me accountable on stopping it because I know it can't be good for my lip. Here's a picture of my lip, so you can check how I'm doing if you want. the white part on the left is my lip trying to compensate for the lack of flesh so it kind of laps over with this white stuff that I am fascinated by. I just bit this like yesterday and today and it's already healing!
The thought process behind it is, for the most part, nonexistent. I mean it's not like I am completely unaware of what is going on. I realize that it is happening, but I don't consciously think "Oh I think I will go ahead and tear up my inner lip now." Truth is, I don't want to do it. Well part of me doesn't. The smart part of me doesn't want to do it, but that would be pretty boring to write about now would it? I guess the part of me that bites my lip has a lot of different motivations. Part of me likes to be in control, and that is an easy way to be in control. Another part honestly enjoys the pain. I don't know if that's a depressed thing or a weird person thing, but sometimes it feels good to hurt. Also, part of me just needs to feel something, anything, to know that I'm real. The pain preoccupies me and takes my mind off of whatever is at hand. Obviously, this is of value to a depressed person. Pain takes me somewhere else so that I don't have to face the problem at hand.
Another part of me that I'm still just beginning to understand likes to think that I'm screwed up. I don't know why, but a part of me wants to be dark and messed up. I think that depression is almost becoming hip, for this reason, but that's for another post in the future. Anyway, I wrote this short post because I wanted to be real about it and I wouldn't be opposed to reader's keeping me accountable on stopping it because I know it can't be good for my lip. Here's a picture of my lip, so you can check how I'm doing if you want. the white part on the left is my lip trying to compensate for the lack of flesh so it kind of laps over with this white stuff that I am fascinated by. I just bit this like yesterday and today and it's already healing!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Even Writing A Letter Is Hard
My Grandpa's birthday is this Sunday so I had to write him a note. I don't have a very good relationship with my grandparents. My Grandpa isn't a Christian and we don't see eye to eye on very many things. My Grandma married him and we have issues of our own. I call them after Christmas and my birthday to thank them for my gifts, or money, and talk to them occasionally, but they insist that I write them notes.
This doesn't sound like a big deal to most people, but they constantly guilt trip me about it, and by constantly, I mean constantly, and by guilt trip, I MEAN Guilt Trip. It's bad, and I let it get to me. I have wanted to write that note so many times, but have never gotten up the courage to actually write it. Lately I have felt really convicted that I need to be a better witness to my grandpa, and I decided the best way to do this was by writing a note.
So I set out to write him a note today. The big problem came when my grandma decided to shoot me another email, and by shoot I mean stab me in the heart with. See the thing is, my grandpa is slowly going blind, and he fainted last week so he has been in the hospital. Obviously this was perfect ammunition for her to take me on yet another trip (of what type you can most likely infer). Anyway, words were typed to me, and I felt awful. So I sat down to write this note. I laid there with my head in my hands for about fifteen minutes before I could even begin to write the note. For some reason, my depression took over and I was overwhelmed with the task at hand. It's a weird feeling that I can't really describe since the moment has passed, but it's one of complete loss of control and a great big heap of apathetic despair. I finally got up the courage to write it, thank God, but writing a note should still not be so difficult.
I realize that this first post may come off as a pity party for me. That was not the intent. My grandparents do not know any better. I do. This situation was my fault, and I am so glad that I am on my way to reconciling the problem that I have caused. I just chose today to write my first post as an instance where depression definitely played a role in the every day life.
P.S. I decided not to post the note here, but if you really want to read it I will be happy to share the note with you, just let me know.
This doesn't sound like a big deal to most people, but they constantly guilt trip me about it, and by constantly, I mean constantly, and by guilt trip, I MEAN Guilt Trip. It's bad, and I let it get to me. I have wanted to write that note so many times, but have never gotten up the courage to actually write it. Lately I have felt really convicted that I need to be a better witness to my grandpa, and I decided the best way to do this was by writing a note.
So I set out to write him a note today. The big problem came when my grandma decided to shoot me another email, and by shoot I mean stab me in the heart with. See the thing is, my grandpa is slowly going blind, and he fainted last week so he has been in the hospital. Obviously this was perfect ammunition for her to take me on yet another trip (of what type you can most likely infer). Anyway, words were typed to me, and I felt awful. So I sat down to write this note. I laid there with my head in my hands for about fifteen minutes before I could even begin to write the note. For some reason, my depression took over and I was overwhelmed with the task at hand. It's a weird feeling that I can't really describe since the moment has passed, but it's one of complete loss of control and a great big heap of apathetic despair. I finally got up the courage to write it, thank God, but writing a note should still not be so difficult.
I realize that this first post may come off as a pity party for me. That was not the intent. My grandparents do not know any better. I do. This situation was my fault, and I am so glad that I am on my way to reconciling the problem that I have caused. I just chose today to write my first post as an instance where depression definitely played a role in the every day life.
P.S. I decided not to post the note here, but if you really want to read it I will be happy to share the note with you, just let me know.
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